I found myself gravitating towards you. I wanted to talk to you more. I assumed you were probably gay or had a girlfriend or were emotionally unavailable or just sucked.

we go on aimless walks in palms and oceanside and laguna and talk about going on aimless walks in chicago and san francisco and berlin. you kiss me up against the fence and say you like my shadow.

We turned off all the lights in the living room and danced for an hour. you said you love watching me move. you said, "I love life with you."

I like that we don't watch tv or go on social media together. We literally just walk and rawdog life and stuff. You also eat like nothing which is crazy.

I forgot how much this stuff breaks you. It makes you feel like you're insane. It's like a drug

You told me that you found me beautiful and magnetic the second you walked in the room, and you also left feeling like you'd just met someone really special. You have since told me many times that you are following your heart to me.

When you really really like someone (which has only happened a few times in my life), does everything else always seem so dull in comparison?

I cannot be normal about this i mean i cannot be normal about anything but especially this

wondering if people will just break each other down in every relationship

i worry that i am not and will never be top of mind for you. If i am, it’s because i’m distracting you from what you’re going through. I try to savor the yearning, waiting for you to text and getting a dopamine hit when you do. I miss you and miss you while you’re just an hour away. I want this to be real. I want you to be real.

When your best friend talked to me later he said “take care of my friend” and at that point i was so cooked i was barely remembering people’s names and also my face was kinda numb i also dont rlly have anything to say to that so i just said “i will”.

He did the radiation treatment in santa monica in February and died on March 11. In may and june, you said you went out a lot and did a lot of drugs, mixing them in ways you shouldn’t. I had no idea what you were dealing with during that time.

i paint my nails a new color every week. right now it’s black. i don’t style my hair. i let myself get bored. sometimes, i go to bed right when the sun sets. other times, it’s 3am and i don’t even notice. i wait for you to call. we sit on our respective balconies chatting about whatever. each time, it’s feature length.

I spent basically all day thursday getting ready for you to come over, all while fretting that you wouldn’t actually come. every little thing – you being sick, you being busy, you saying you want to go on a walk – makes me think that you fucking hate me and are just trying to find a way to tell me.

we talked about how we are very serious about each other and want to be together for a long time. Then we began having a very animated conversation about caroline’s line “free bleeding in the autumn rain” in the “everything is romantic” remix, to the point that a guy walking by asked if we were on shrooms. you said this was a compliment.

you had said this was all a dream. In the elevator i told you it’s not a dream to me, it’s real, and you said yeah, let’s make it real, and i said yeah, this could be our lives, im not doing this because i want to have fun, i’m doing this because i like you and it feels right. And you said yeah i feel the same. And we agreed to see each other soon.

We held each other close and sang the entire song right in each other’s faces. “Talk to me in french, talk to me in spanish, talk to me in your own made up language doesn’t matter if i understand it, talk right in my ear, tell me your secrets and fears, once you talk to me i’ll talk to you and say hey, let’s get out of here, shall we go back to my place?” We later agreed that we both felt like everything had melted away, like no one else existed for those three minutes.

every day you make me believe more and more that you’re here now and tomorrow, that you’ll stay, that you’re permanent, that you’re real. And somehow this makes it all feel more like a dream. We sleep at different times. In the middle of the night, I read your texts half-conscious. I take your words back into my dreams. In the morning, I write you something with which you can do the same. Sometimes it’s like the right words to describe this are written only in the language of dreams.

you and i were sleeping in my bed and you came over to my side of the bed and held me close with my back pressed to your chest and your arms around my chest. I don’t quite remember what you said and you don’t either but i know it included “i can’t believe you’re here” and “i really need you”. you held me like something was threatening to take me away from you

summer is so long and warm and the sunsets are prettier than I remember and it’s OK to lie in bed and wait until the sun fully rises because it means i get to watch you sleep and pet your curls. we can breathe together and turn on the fan and the fairy lights and lick the ice cream cone at the same time as blackberry chocolate chip gushes over the edges.

You talked about the guilt, the loneliness, the emptiness of expecting someone to be there and they’re just not. You talked about the anger and sadness. We cried a lot. Like a lot, a lot. When you cried it was kind of graceful. I kissed the tear tracks on your cheek. You said i’d see you cry more. You said i’m good to cry with. I said yeah, cuz im always crying.

You told me i haunt you which is kind of a funny thing to say.

I get the sense that u are a little scared of me. ur not hard to read, it’s just that i can see u overthinking but i dont know what you’re thinking

sometimes i feel like im going crazy. sometimes i feel like we’re the only two people who have ever lived. sometimes i feel what everyone feels, like im plugged into the emotional mainframe.

You talked about how terrible it was to see somebody’s body totally rot and decay and break down in every way.

I hope to god every day that i am not making this up, and that i am making the right choice by trusting you.

At some imperceptible point in the night’s illogical timeline, we went outside and I overheard you telling the guys, “this girl is such a catch, she’s a gem, she’s my treasure.”

I don’t have anything to say to you i just want to be in the same room and stare at you without blinking for 36 hours

I’m not sure if I ever answered you or if you believed me but yes, darling, I saw the beauty.

I looked to the entrance to the airplane hangar, which was suddenly the gateway to the world spilling golden light and fairy dust.

We are always saying “it’s a sign” etc etc. i am still scared that you see me as a drug, a fantasy, or a dream.

The next day after we sped home through the desert you lay your curly head on my chest in your childhood bed and cried. “I’m so sorry,” you repeated. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” When you cried like that I felt helpless and I held you close to keep you tethered to me.

Earlier i told you i am really falling for you and i feel such a depth of care and affection for you. you said you felt the same. you seemed a little bit scared, or at least sobered, by this.

You sounded really depressed and disconnected so i felt like maybe you were about to tell me it was over. I sat up in bed and turned on the light.